I'm PROUD of you! Have you ever longed to hear these words from someone that you look up to? I know I have. Growing up that's all I wanted to hear from the one person that I thought could fix anything. I wanted to be just like him. And more than anything I wanted him to be proud of me.
Well one day a couple years ago I finally got tired of feeling like I was disappointing him and in the kindest way I knew how (which you will come to know was not very kind, but God has softened my heart a lot) I asked him why he was not proud of me. You can only guess what he replied. He asked me "what are you talking about? Of course I'm proud of you" Well there I stood shocked because I never knew. So he proceeded to ask me "why would you think that I was not proud of you?" and I replied in a whisper "because you never tell me." He looked me in my tear filled eyes and said "i didn't know you felt this way. I am so proud of you, and I would not trade you for the world." Now if you knew the back story here you, would have been shocked too.
Now some of you may think that this is a made up story but its not. Not only did this moment change my life but it also got me thinking. What? he was proud of me this whole time and I never knew it. Why did he not just tell me? Why did it matter so much for him to say he was proud of me? If it mattered that much, why did it take me so long to JUST ASK HIM? What made me so sure that he was not proud of me? and the list went on.
Here's what i came up with...
1. It was easier to be angry that to be vulnerable.
2. The fear of him validating my thoughts was too big a mountain to conquer
3. all the what if scenarios stopped me from simply asking
4. He was my dad, the older one, he should have just told me
This fear kept me from SO much. I should have asked him sooner. It would have saved me a lot of heart ache. But it showed him something too. It showed him that he needed to tell me. Not just when he is disappointed in a decision that I've made but when he is proud of me. So here is my challenge to you. If you want to know something just ask, regardless of what the answer may be, or how you think some one is going to look at you. You might save yourself years of heartache. And to all you dads out there tell your kids that you love them, care about them, think they are great, and that you are Proud of them. It means more than you will ever know. To all my "what if'ers" and my fear full people: take up the shroud of courage(which i will have you know is not the absence of fear, just stepping past it) and go and ask....because maybe just maybe whoever your "him" is doesn't know.
this post is dedicated to my dad...who I wouldn't trade for the world!
